A couple of weeks ago, I was having “one of those days.” I wasn’t feeling well physically, and I was running late for a medical appointment, and I couldn’t find the directions to that office, that I had carefully printed out. My cell phone wasn’t syncing with my email, probably because I had dropped it in the watering can the day before. And my computer was in one of those mandatory updating modes that I couldn’t control. And then my dog, who had just had surgery, came and looked up at me with his doleful eyes, begging me not to leave. It was all so frustrating, and I admit, I came unglued for a bit.
And then something wonderful happened. After I had muddled through and found the medical office, a friend texted me. I hadn’t heard from her in a while, and it was like a breath of fresh air. She asked how I was, and shared some good news with me. Such a small thing—it only took about 10 minutes total, but it made all the difference. A brief look beyond myself, another heart caring about mine, turned the perspective around.
This experience reminded me of a psychological study* that I read recently. It focused on this very phenomenon—reaching out to someone in your social circle with whom you haven’t had contact for a while. People in this study reached out with a note, and/or a small gift, and researchers studied both the givers and the receivers. Those who reached out consistently underestimated how much their effort would be appreciated, and that seemed to be because they focused on the element of surprise; they thought the other person would be really surprised to hear from them, but not necessarily pleased. But that wasn’t the case. The receivers of the “reach-out” really did appreciate hearing from their acquaintances.
During the height of the pandemic, when so many people were so isolated and so lonely, it seemed that we did this more often. We reached out with a text, or an email, or a call, sometimes just to ease our own loneliness and to remind ourselves that there were other hearts beating out there. But now, as people return to in-person work and social activities, a couple of things seem to have happened. First, we have forgotten how to be around each other. We often don’t do the casual interactions with others, and instead develop this tunnel vision where we don’t notice each other, and instead we stay inside our own heads. (Talk about an echo chamber!) Or, we spill so much stuff out that we overwhelm the other person. The other person says “Hi, how are you?” and we reply with a full description of a recent surgery, our adolescent’s dating issues, and how our romantic relationship is on the skids. It’s just too much.
A better idea would be to start small. Reach out with something brief—a note of (sincere) appreciation, a compliment, or just a hello. A simple connection. Remember the study. Don’t assume the other person will just be surprised; that could easily cause you to say “They’ll just think I’m weird” and then you won’t do it. Instead, just put it out there. You never know what might happen. It might just make the other person’s day a little brighter, or it might be a baby step toward deeper interactions.
It doesn’t hurt to try.
For more information on the benefits of social connection, listen to my guest appearance on the Bright Side of Longevity Podcast by following this link:
E87: Finding Your Tribe: How Social Connection is the Key to Healthy Longevity (spreaker.com)
*LIU, P. J., Rim, S., Min, L., & Min, K. E. (2023). The surprise of reaching out: Appreciated more than we think.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 124(4), 754–771. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000402