People who work with couples—psychologists, marriage and family therapists, counselors, relationship coaches—all know about the importance of communication in a relationship. Most people, when bemoaning difficulty with their partners, cite communication as a major problem, and if you took an inventory of the relationships you’ve had (or observed) that were happy and healthy, you’d probably find that communication skills were a big part of that. Other factors matter, of course—like shared values, compatible world views, attraction, commitment—but without effective communication it’s hard to sustain the relationship in the midst of, well, life. So here are some things to remember about communication with your partner.
1. It’s a two-way street—with lots of lanes.
Communication is a dynamic process, and involves both someone sending a message and someone receiving that message. It’s not just person #1 stating what they feel and doing so effectively; it’s that person giving the information in a way that is most likely to be received by person #2, and that person being open enough to receive it. And then in response to the message, person #2 communicates another message, and then person #1 receives it and responds. And this back-and-forth can be interrupted by all kinds of external factors, like noise, or children, or time constraints.
And the two-way street between sender and receiver can have many lanes. Messages may be sent and received verbally or nonverbally, may relate to concrete facts or emotions, may be personal or impersonal, or have a host of other characteristics. In navigating that complexity, here are a few “lane markers” to guide you.
2. Words matter.
This seems so basic, but in working with couples around the issue of communication, I continue to find that they don’t choose their words well. Name calling—as in “you’re and idiot” or “you’re a pig,” or using profanity to describe your partner—is destructive to the relationship, and hinders any effective communication. Saying “I didn’t mean it” at some later time doesn’t undo the damage. If you really don’t mean to say those things, then stop and collect yourself until you can effectively express what you’re angry or disappointed with in your partner. With practice, you can learn to say “what you’re saying doesn’t make sense to me” or “I wish you’d pick up your towel in the bathroom.” If you do really mean to be insulting, then well, the relationship has problems that go beyond communication, and professional help is needed.
Two of the words that matter a lot are always and never. As in, “You always change the radio settings when you drive my car” or “You never take out the garbage.” These absolutes are generally not true—maybe you had to ask 4 times before she took out the garbage, but she did it—and using all-encompassing statements can imprint negative images of your partner in your mind. It also tends to make the other person defensive, or even defeated—as in, if that’s who you think I am, then it’s no use trying to change. Instead of this pattern, you could simply ask politely, and then notice and compliment when it’s done. You’ve got nothing to lose by communicating this way—even if the behavior doesn’t change, it gives you a more pleasant basis for working on it.
3. That’s not all that matters.
The non-verbals count. If your partner tells you about narrowly avoiding a car accident and being so shaken that he had to pull over to calm down, you need to look up from what you’re doing and make some eye contact. If you apologize for something you did, but your tone of voice is flat—or worse, sarcastic—you may damage the relationship more than whatever you did to warrant the apology.
Non-verbals operate in tandem with the words you use. If you tell your partner they’re wonderful while smiling, making eye contact, and giving an affectionate pat on the hand, the message is coherent, and warm, and likely to be received. But if you grunt out an “I love you” without looking up from your phone, the message that’s received is more likely to be “I don’t think you’re important.”
4. It’s important to listen—and let the other person know that you’re listening.
When someone has had that warm and magical first date, he might gush, “We talked and talked. She really heard me!” It’s great to feel that someone is hanging on your every word, wanting to know all about you—and showing that by touching your hand, looking deeply into your eyes, and murmuring, “Yeah I know what you mean.” It really does feel magical.
But later in the relationship, the thrill of learning about each other can fade. Communication may be about more mundane matters, such as whose turn it is to clean up the dog poop in the back yard. But it’s more important than ever to listen and communicate that you’ve heard. Okay, so maybe you won’t be cooing softly into your partner’s ear about canine excrement. But you can make eye contact, say something like, “Yeah, you’re right. That should get done before it rains. Could you do it this time, or should I?” Letting your partner know they’ve been heard just takes a few seconds and keeps that two-way street open.
5. Make sure you’re heard.
Okay, so you’re doing everything right. You’re making your non-verbals match your meaning, you’re listening to your partner and letting them know you got the message they were sending. But what if you don’t get the same thing in return? What if your partner continues to look everywhere but at you when you’re talking, and doesn’t hear or remember what you’ve said? What then?
First of all, ask about it. With all the patience you can muster, say something like, “When you look at the TV when I’m telling you about my day, it feels like you don’t care about what I’m saying.” And then wait for a response. Communication is a skill that is learned and continually renew, and your partner will need to learn and renew it, too. Reminders that are direct but respectful are the most likely to enhance that process.
If your reminders don’t seem to produce the effects that you want, professional help may be needed. A therapist or relationship coach can help you to improve your own skills, and decide how best to cope with the communication in your relationship.